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I went out with some friends the other night and realized that (1) I am the only singleton and (2) I am the only one without children (in utero or otherwise).
I have been married.
And divorced.
So I'm also the only one who's been divorced.
It was just plain weird. I miss them all very much, but their lives have taken a very different direction from mine. I get the feeling that some of them worry that I'm unhappy or that I'm jealous or something. There's this sort of "awww" face that people make--you know? Kind of like I'm a lost puppy or confused or something. I don't like that.
I don't want kids.
I don't miss being married.
Right now, not terribly interested in getting married again.
I mean, I'm seeing somebody and all, but it's not super-serious. I'm not even sure if it's serious. It might be someday. But right now--where I am in this life--I like it as it is.
There simply aren't any guarantees about anything. That was one thing that this whole divorce taught me. Even if I were to marry the man I'm seeing now, what's to keep us from splitting up? Really--there's nothing that says we'd stay together, married or not. It's always a choice. Every day it's a choice. Do I keep moving forward? Are we changing together or are we growing apart? Can I live with who he is today? Can he live with who I am today?
If I could make it so that we'd never split up, I wonder what the fallout would be. Say I got that as a free wish from a genie. Ten or twelve years down the road are we stuck with each other and miserable?
Ten or twelve years down the road I'd like to be with someone because I WANT to be with him and because he WANTS to be with me. Because even when it sucks (which it will because that's just how it goes), we'd rather be together and having a sucky time than be apart. Because after it gets done sucking, we'll be more experienced people and we'll have come closer because of that experience.
I never envision any children in these scenarios, BTW. I just want to be myself with whoever he might turn out to be.
Anyway. So I sometimes feel a bit left out and a bit lonely. But I'm happy with who I am and I'm content with how things are these days. I can't honestly say what I'd change if I had the chance.
I'm hopeful.
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